Archives for the month of: October, 2013

Yesterday was a perfectly fine day, and I went and let my mood buttons get the best of me. I’ve observed in myself these tendencies–they’ve been no secret to me for quite some time, too long, perhaps, since childhood, really. It doesn’t make it any better. When my emotions are running rampant, more so during those particular times of the month–the feminine cycles, well, those are the times I know even better to bite my tongue, to let things roll off my back, but it never fails that something will push my button during those times, and it usually happens at work and it’s usually the boss. I sometimes will speak my mind, unable to carefully think before I speak. If a button gets pushed–usually it’s the “don’t take it personal” button–I get caught up in the moment and before I know it, I’m letting the boss know how I feel. He doesn’t really listen. He says “uh-huh” and looks down at what’s he’s doing, but he doesn’t give the courtesy to act like he’s interested, to at least acknowledge–something, anything.

Yesterday, I was ready to come to the page, to my blog and get it out of my system–to vent. But I try…I have an unspoken rule…that if I must vent, it has to be while I’m not angry any longer or at least not as angry. The thing is, I’m mad at myself. I can’t stand it when I let others get the best of me. I can’t stand it that sometimes I’m too sensitive for my own good, and at the same time I can be a tough cookie. I’m a sensitive, soft, crisp cookie that will help you out, but if you speak to me in a way that pushes my buttons, if you think you’re going to do something that I don’t like or agree with and not think I’m going to speak up if it’s important enough to me, well, those Cancer claws come out and the Aires moon in me charges forward before she can pull her words back and the Leo in me, that’s an interesting balance, amongst my quiet, sensitive, reserved Cancer nature.

One thing I’ll say in hindsight is that yesterday was absolutely partially “my stuff.” It was something that I shouldn’t have reacted to, but that’s the thing…when you haven’t worked through the anger that is beneath the surface, the big things are set off by the little, insignificant things. The issue itself is a philosophical difference and I have accepted it to an extent. It’s a different way of managing, a different style. I have a choice of course. To leave or stay. But at the end of the day, I don’t see the benefits of leaving over a few trifles.

I feel better already…One thing that keeps ringing in my ears is when I asked my uncle about a month back if I was like my mother or how was I like my mother. I guess I wanted to hear his perspective. I know they were close. It’s hard to get much out of my uncle. He doesn’t believe in family history. He’s a tough cookie too. I think it runs in the family. What he said in response to my question is this: “You know what I like about you? You don’t take any crap from anyone–just like your mother. You don’t let people walk all over you. You speak your mind.”

That was his way of answering the question and that’s all he had for me. I thought about it and nodded. Yes, I guess he’s right. And I’ve had to take a stand with my uncle on a few occasions. In general, I’m a softy. You’d never know that I have occasion to lose my temper, and that if I must, I will defend myself verbally. I mean, I do try to find balance, but sometimes, the needle leans to the other side of balance.

I embrace myself with all of my emotions and expressions of self. Even if I annoy myself and get angry at myself for being me, I wouldn’t change a thing about myself because these qualities are who I am. I can always try to be better at controlling my emotions, but without the mix of these often, contradictory emotions and feelings, the positive sides wouldn’t be there either. In the end, there is balance.

I am fire and water, the moon and the sun–Yin and Yang.

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My mind starts thinking about things as I’m driving along and then I ground myself in the trees that are especially animated this morning, stretching their arms, like dancers, swaying to the music of the heavy breeze. I take my mind from tree to tree wondering what questions I have for them today, what wisdom do I seek this morning? But then I realize that just being there, fully present with the tees in this moment, allowing myself to surrender, right before my drive to work comes to an end is enough. They will speak again; I will listen.

My head has been filled with numbers, numbers, numbers. I knew this class would be demanding. What I didn’t expect was for my other class to be just as much work. I have had one slight stress blow up so far with my significant other, but bless his heart, he knows me well, understands, and goes with it. I turned into a nag a few days, which I detest. I don’t like hearing the nag in me. I remember it well from my mother. I also realize that from my older brother, I may have just picked up his perfectionist ways, his need to have things in their right place; on the flip side, I also have tendencies to be sloppy and collect piles of stuff–a clutter bug–or as my signifiant said to me when we were moving, “you’re a hoarder! Look at all this stuff.” I told him that of course I’m not a hoarder. I mostly have books, even if I don’t read them all and look, I need all of these little mementos. Each and every book stays for now. They can have a home inside these boxes in the garage. I will only bring a few into the house. Don’t worry…I will keep the clutter under control. If he only saw my mother’s home when I was growing up. Now, she was a hoarder, but I like to refer to her as a person who needed her clutter. The sickness is in my blood. I never really had a room of my own until she passed and I never knew which bed I would be sleeping in, always shared with her. She had to take clothes and whatever was piled on any given bed and move it to another spot, so that we could have a place to sleep. Why all this is coming out now, I do not know. I needed to come to the page, take a break from accounting.

I did go the the last GIANTS baseball game on Sunday. It was awesome. They won and it was a great game. We also went to a local street fair last weekend, so I’m am taking my nose out of the text books, but have not had enough time to read books for pleasure. I feel guilty and also I don’t want to fall behind and deviate from the class work. I’m struggling to understand the material enough to keep moving forward. I’m actually doing much better than I thought I would (knock-on-wood). I have to look back a lot, but other concepts I feel that I understand, even though I will probably never use most of this information.

And so…that’s that. I bought the small slate vase in the photo at the fair. I love the style and the naturalness of the vessel. Only thing is, I have to put water in it two times a day, since the space is so small.

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