I stir my little pot of words and they seem to be stuck or am I stuck? I feel that it’s all too easy to be hard on ourselves, to come to expect great things from ourselves, that having these expectations leave us flat.

Here I am, ebbing and flowing to some distant calling; at the same time I am quite still, so still…my ECE summer class is almost done. It has been informative and interesting learning about childhood psychology and development. At moments I have felt little threads of myself being unravelled as I go back to different parts of my childhood with a different perspective for reflection. I think of my attachment relationships and wonder what my temperament was like. I feel that at times I regress–I think we all do, really. I think of how my mother tried to coax her girl out of her shell and how I wouldn’t budge. I wanted to stay in the safety of my own quiet world. Not much has changed. I still enjoy spending time with myself doing quiet things, but I also have moments where I surprise myself and become somewhat outgoing–if I’m in a comfortable element, I suppose.

I say what’s on my mind, I express when something is bothering me, even when the best thing may be just to “go with it.”

I look back and for whatever reasons, I’ve been…it has to do with finishing. I get started at something and I follow through to a point and then I stop or else I continue without a plan. I’m process oriented. That can be great; likewise, it can also create for a long amorphous path.

If I dig deep, I come back to those words that echo from a time long ago when my student-therapist asked if perhaps I was experiencing the fear of success. I think that fear is at the bottom–has been at the bottom of my dilly dallying nature. I’m focused and quite efficient and will do my best when it comes to my work, but somehow I seem to sabotage myself by only going so far.

I’ve come to another familiar crossroads, only it’s all too familiar. I go round and round as though I cannot seem to make the record stop spinning the same song. I have enjoyed both the ECE classes that I have taken. I feel that I have gained much, but after much reelection and thinking, I don’t think the world of ECE will be materializing for me.

I remember an old customer when I worked at the burger joint. He was sitting at the counter. I must have been in my early twenties. He knew I was taking classes at the time and he said he had racked up credits and wished that he at least would have completed his A.A. That’s where I am. I never completed my A.A. because I moved onto working on my B.A., only I never completed it.

I decided that I need to complete my A.A. for myself, that it’s time to at least take the last bit of required classes to complete it. I know it won’t mean much in the real world nowadays, since it’s not a higher degree, but it will mean something to me.

I’ve had a love-hate relationship with accounting for many years and that’s what it’s going to be. I’m going to take the remaining accounting courses that I need, complete my science requirement, and if all goes well, by the end of 2014 or 2015, I should have completed that goal.

Fear and lack of self-confidence: I think these are my enemies and my best friends. They are always there for me to navigate.

The mind is a mysterious creature. Even when we think we’ve got it all figured out, what were left with is a big question mark. I don’t mind. I don’t know that I would change much about where I am in life. I think that I’m meant to be right where I am and that’s just fine.

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